One thing that irks me is how society misuses the personality disorder narcissism for EVERY. SINGLE. THING. Someone didn't take the trash out? Such a narcissist. Someone was being a meanie? Yep, they're a narcissist. Someone doesn't love you the way you love them? Of course they're a narcissist too.
In fact, for all the many people who misuse this word, only an estimated 1-6% of the population are actual narcissists. This means that while some may demonstrate narcissistic tendencies, NPD (Narcissist Personality Disorder) is relatively rare.
I think my annoyance at labeling every bad personality trait as narcissistic, arises from my firsthand experience dating someone who was diagnosed with NPD. I was in my 20s, they were slightly older, and the NPD tag didn't mean anything to me at the time, mostly because this was long before people used narcissism as a blanket term for bad behavior. I just assumed it would be like dating someone with OCD - like me - which meant there would be quirky moments. And perhaps I thought they’d be a little mirror-obsessed too.
How wrong I was.
They were upfront with their clinical diagnosis (NPD), and although they didn't expand on what that meant - and in fairness, I didn't push for a detailed explanation - I was impressed by their honesty. After all, a monster isn't going to tell you they're a monster, are they? Especially not on the first date. We dated for a year. It was single-handedly one of the worst years of my life. I went into the relationship open and honest, which in hindsight was the worst thing I could have done. I left myself unguarded.
Subtly, they planted themselves inside my brain, rummaging around for intel, reading all my trunks of trauma, triggers, and vulnerabilities. They harvested everything from me, all without me knowing. I wasn’t expecting this seemingly perfect person (the first red flag) to be a devious and manipulative bastard who had a cunning appetite for psychological warfare on unexpected and trusting people.
Once they had a firm read on me, certain that I was smitten with the faux personality they presented, they unmasked themselves. It was trauma-inducing what they did next. I'm saving myself from going into details, but I assure you, what transpired between me and this entity was unimaginably cruel, villainous, sinister, and destructive. It took a lot for me to understand that this was a mere human, not a demonic creature from the underworld.
This was my first, only, and last abusive relationship. I experienced an extensive amount of shame both during and after it, but none more so than how the relationship ended. You see, it was the narcissist who ended the relationship. They found someone else and moved on, discarding me and the swirl of chaos they created. The shame isn't that I was cheated on (I was consistently cheated on throughout the relationship) but that I wasn't the one who escaped. I wasn't the one who loved myself enough to leave. I wasn't the one who said HOW DARE YOU TREAT ME LIKE THIS and NO MORE. For the first time in my life, I wasn't the strong one - something that I've always known to be.
Aside from the shame experienced that I didn’t leave an abusive relationship, the blessing that it ended was bountiful. If it hadn’t, they would have killed me. I have no doubts. Perhaps not in the way some would think, but in a way so heinous that I don't want to relive it or breathe life into it.
My point in this Good Morning, Happy Thursday share is that when society consistently overuses the term narcissist, it trivializes the abuse endured at the hands of "real" narcissists. It detracts from its authentic meaning. So, stop doing it. Stop misusing, overusing, and armchair diagnosing a personality disorder that requires a clinical diagnosis from either a psychologist or a psychiatrist after an examination. This isn’t diagnosable without an in-person evaluation and analysis.
Short version if you couldn't wade through my wordy post: A person who's toxic and irresponsible isn't necessarily a narcissist. Okurrr.
(Artwork by Alex Dobrenko)
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